Top 15 Game Articles That We Should Never Have to Read Again

by Jed Pressgrove

1. “I decided to talk to some kids about video games and record what they said. Here’s what they said and how I think it’s vaguely relevant.”

2. “Here’s someone who doesn’t play video games anymore, who is disenchanted with the form, who can find a problem with anything related to the audience, media, or industry of this god-forsaken hobby that I hope doesn’t pass away. Care. Weep. Learn.”

3. “This super-popular hit is violent, depraved, immoral, irresponsible, insensitive, brutal, extreme, anti-humanity, shameful, unholy, and sinful. But I enjoy it immensely. My contradictory nature is fascinating.”

4. “Between my sessions of play, I listened to Radiohead (a progressive band for progressive people), ate at Ruby Tuesday (my family forced me), and decided to plug in my VCR and watch all the episodes of The Critic that I ‘taped’ (remember when we used to say that?).”

5. “I was really anxious when I decided to play this game, which coincidentally has something to say about anxiety.”

6. “I could probably explain why this single aspect is interesting in a few paragraphs, but here’s 5,000 words. Suck on that.”

7. “This study on the effects of video games — which I won’t describe in too much detail because I’m not that good with conceptual frameworks, analytical strategies, methodologies, or even numbers — panders to your preconceived notions and proves that other people with preconceived notions are wrong.”

8. “As you can see, I have just described a lot of problems with this latest hyped game. But … 7/10. I really thought it was pretty damn good, all in all.”

9. “This new game has a novel approach in that it has a narrative and lets you make choices. You play it with a controller, which is also fairly revolutionary.”

10. “Our country has just witnessed a horrible tragedy involving hatred of the most deplorable kind. There’s something in this recently released, strongly marketed game that might be related to this current event.”

11. “This trailer, obviously created to create buzz about a soon-to-be-purchasable game whose actual quality is unknown to all, seems to suggest … ”

12. “My anecdotal evidence confirms this particular view of video game culture. You better not disagree with me because this is my life we’re talking about here.”

13. “These people say this game isn’t a game. I will entertain this argument forever, despite the fact that I find it as compelling as someone claiming that our planet is flat.”

14. “My friend developed this game that’s quite important, if only you would play it.”

15. “A Sarcastic List of Everything That Bugs Me about Video Game Commentary.”

HONORABLE MENTION: “Sometimes I need an escape from reality, morality, responsibility, humanity, dignity, and good taste. This game gives me that, just like so many other games that do the exact same thing.”

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